Gracie: May 2004 - May 5th 2011

Something terrible has happened: Gracie has died. The story of her death begins on the evening of Wednesday, May 4th. I got home from work early that night and I soon decided to go to bed early due to malaise. Right before bed, I let Gracie in, as usual. As soon as she stepped in the door I could tell something was wrong. She seemed to not want to walk. She was behaving as if her back legs were asleep. But I am impatient these days and so I just tried to hustle her into the garage. It was awkward for her and took a lot of encouragement from me. But Gracie is known to be skittish and nervous and she had displayed similar behavior before. I thought she had a leg injury. The only symptom I initially noticed was trouble walking. Once she was in her kennel I noticed that she did not seem in any pain, but she did seem very alert and her eyes were wide open. There was no vomiting, or panting. Darcy and I tried to coax her back out of her kennel for the sake of more observation, but she would not come out. We could have taken her to the 24 hour vet, of course, but we didn't. I did not think the situation was an emergency and I thought we'd take a second look at things in the morning. Why was that my judgment? I don't know. I hope it was a justifiable instinct, but I fear it was just selfishness and wanting to just go to bed. I thought (or told myself) that it was just a leg injury and if she just stayed immobile for the night we could go to the vet the next day.

It turns she did go to the vet the next day. She was no different in the morning. She had urinated in the kennel and was still sitting in it. There was some drool hanging from her lip. We called the vet, loaded her kennel in the car and Darcy had to drive her to Plano by herself, fighting the smell of urine in the car. Even then as we loaded her kennel I took the situation seriously but I wasn't worried. I still thought that she'd had a leg injury of some kind and that the pain had now gotten very bad. Gracie had been known in the past to have a very low pain tolerance. She was behaving strangely, but strange behavior was common for her. She was unfortunately a often nervous and anxious dog.

Anyway, she was soon dead after arriving at the vet. Now I've learned some obvious things. I can't get a second chance to take this more seriously. The past few years with Gracie have been trying. We have gradually accepted that she is not compatible with our small children or our other dog, Teak. That was a hard notion for us to accept since we naturally see our dogs living inside with the family, as part of the family. For the past six months or so Gracie was only allowed two places: in the backyard, or in the garage. But even then she posed a threat. A week before she died, on my birthday, she killed a kitten that had gotten into the yard. She attacked and injured Teak in the back yard on several occasions. My plan for today had she not died was to make here an enclosure so we could keep her outside and out of trouble. We were going to keep her until the end. There were some in the past who urged us to euthanize her. I still remember the agony in feeling the pressure to make that decision. In fact, she committed two separate transgressions that led to the possibility of euthanasia. (Once when Darcy was pregnant with Olivia, and once during the summer of 2010 where she attacked Teak.) But in the end we decided to work harder for Gracie, so that she could live out her natural life. Once her enclosure was built, I thought we would finally reach equilibrium with her. She didn't mind being outside or in the garage at all. We still went for walks. She seemed happy.

In any case, it is depressing now that she's gone. I have already mentioned too many bad things about Gracie. I hate to do that, but they are part of the story of her life. It was rough for her near the end because she found herself in a familial situation that she wasn't cut out for. But life was good for her and I in the beginning. I feel pretty worthless now that Gracie's story has ended, but I hope she feels I gave her a life worthy of envy in the beginning. Lot's of affection and walks. Someday I hope to write about those good times. The times she loved were when it was just me and her. The problem is that life has gotten more complicated since those first few years, and neither of us has handled it very well. Some of the terrible attitudes and behaviors have swelled in me over the past few years: impatience, irritability, always being in a hurry, anger, hatred, pessimism, having low expectations, psychological and physical tension. I get so fixated on anger and find myself in prolonged trances over it. I daydream and am introspective to the point of not being able to pay attention to those around me. Now, none of this is directed at my family, but it does no good for them either. I hate to admit it, but neither of the dogs has gotten much attention or affection in a long time. I hate to admit that I had seen them too often as burdens and extra work. All I can say is that now that Gracie is gone and I have missed my last chance to be with her I can't describe how bad I feel about who I've become. I hope she can forgive me, if I deserve it.