What's new.

The past few weeks have been unusual for me, at least as far as the quality of my experience goes. I have felt remarkably un-competitive. Not non-competitive, since that is the opposite of being competitive, which doesn't seem like the right description. "Indifferent" may be the best word. If someone insults me, I don't get obsessed with revenge, or feel indignant. Rather, I think, "Well, sometimes I'm a loser. Sometimes I'm foolish and unintelligent," etc. All without anger and with acceptance. But when someone praises me I think that sometimes I do get it right. I look people in the eye, but calmly, indifferently. I don't mind when the weekend is over, and I don't get anxious about the week. I'm not ashamed to say I don't know the answer, but i'm not proud of it either (as if to be proud of my honesty). The onset was sudden, as if a day came and shackles were removed. But it's not black-and-white either. I can imagine it being cultivated to become more intense. That's what it's like.

My main point, however, is how certainly different the quality of my experience has been. I used to believe, "You are who you are." The best you can do is learn to cope. That doesn't seem true anymore. I don't think I've been fooled here, or persueded by wishful thinking; what I've described is genuine. My description of it may be totally wrong, but I am certain my experience is changed. The experience seems unlimitedly powerful, even though it hasn't been there continuously. I have had definite moments of relapse throughout all of this. I felt ambivalent about writing this record of it, and I think I've said enough.

Fasting

So far today I've eaten a handful of berries and one-third of a banana, but I've had plenty to drink. Other than that, I've been conserving energy by staying in bed, and I'm having a wonderful time indifferently listening to music, thinking and daydreaming. The short story is that I am physically comfortable and am otherwise pleased, content, nostalgic, grateful, lucid and serene. (Well...Compared to what's normal for me, anyway.) It's no surprise then that I think it's good to spend a day like this periodically.

There's more to the story. A few years ago, I spent a day like this hoping to hasten my recovery from the flu, and it did seem to work. Moreover, once recovered, there was a period during which I felt more energetic and healthy than before the illness.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

I have created a version of progressive muscle relaxation that works for me. But, first, some background. Over the past year or so muscle tension in my face, jaw and neck has become worse. The muscle tension is uncomfortable on its own. But there's more. Here are some other symptoms that seem to be caused by muscle tension: low quality sleep, dull migraine-like headaches that are continuous for days, feeling like I just got off a roller coaster, neck pain, feeling unfocused and detached from my environment, dizziness and unsteadiness. Right or wrong, I believe that all or most of this is due to almost constant muscle tension. There has been scientific observation that progressive muscle relaxation and breathing exercises are good treatment for muscle tension, anxiety (and its symptoms?), headaches and neck pain, fatigue, and some other conditions. I have learned and tried the method of progressive muscle relaxation and breathing exercises, but neither have ever worked for me. In fact, breathing exercises make it worse: each inhalation is almost always directly tied to a further painful constriction of the already present muscle tension in my head and face. It just makes it worse. Progressive muscle relaxation doesn't make things better or worse. Until now.

The traditional method of progressive muscle relaxation is to first consider a particular muscle or muscle group, such as the forehead, eye lids,lips, jaw, etc. You would then tense the muscle very tightly, hold the tension for 5 seconds or so, and then abruptly release and relax it. After release, really appreciate the difference in the experience between tension and relaxation. Those are the common instructions, now I'll speculate a little. I suppose the reason for the procedure is to teach yourself to notice overlooked muscle tension. You can't relax muscles that you don't know are tense; but you can relax a muscle that has been intentionally tensed. And if the release is abrupt, the difference between tension and relaxation can be more easily noticed.

As I mentioned, this method has never solved any of my problems. But I have stumbled upon a modification of it that does work very well. For me the key is to tense the muscle just to the point of being noticeably tensed. This is much different than tensing very tightly. As far as muscles in the head and face are concerned, this allows me to easily focus on just one muscle group at a time. Furthermore, this barely noticeable tensing followed by abrupt relaxation allows me to sequentially relax the muscle group further and further to the feeling of complete comfort (or lack of tension). I may spend 5 minutes or so gradually "stepping down" the tension on just one group. I'll usually follow that with some time just observing the relaxed state. This seems to work very well: I was able to achieve relief and comfort after the first session, and I woke up the next day feeling remarkable different and better than recent mornings. My explanation is that over-tension the muscle make it much harder to perceive and relax the muscle tension that was already present. Tensing just barley enough to exceed the muscle tension that was already present gives me a much better perception.

This may be one of the most boring blog posts ever. But the discovery is worth it to me since it seems to have caused the first non-pharmaceutical relief in my muscle tension and associated problems ever: No headache, neck pain, detachment from reality, unsteadiness, and I've had better sleep. These symptoms have been so pervasive and unpleasant, especially over the past few months. It's a big discovery if progressive muscle relaxation continues to work.