What's new.

The past few weeks have been unusual for me, at least as far as the quality of my experience goes. I have felt remarkably un-competitive. Not non-competitive, since that is the opposite of being competitive, which doesn't seem like the right description. "Indifferent" may be the best word. If someone insults me, I don't get obsessed with revenge, or feel indignant. Rather, I think, "Well, sometimes I'm a loser. Sometimes I'm foolish and unintelligent," etc. All without anger and with acceptance. But when someone praises me I think that sometimes I do get it right. I look people in the eye, but calmly, indifferently. I don't mind when the weekend is over, and I don't get anxious about the week. I'm not ashamed to say I don't know the answer, but i'm not proud of it either (as if to be proud of my honesty). The onset was sudden, as if a day came and shackles were removed. But it's not black-and-white either. I can imagine it being cultivated to become more intense. That's what it's like.

My main point, however, is how certainly different the quality of my experience has been. I used to believe, "You are who you are." The best you can do is learn to cope. That doesn't seem true anymore. I don't think I've been fooled here, or persueded by wishful thinking; what I've described is genuine. My description of it may be totally wrong, but I am certain my experience is changed. The experience seems unlimitedly powerful, even though it hasn't been there continuously. I have had definite moments of relapse throughout all of this. I felt ambivalent about writing this record of it, and I think I've said enough.