I guess that's what I really wanted today: to be a little bit high, to be lazy AND enjoy it. I tried to do a little meditation instead. I don't really have any interesting beliefs about meditation, but I do believe it helps some people relax. More and more, I believe that it will not work for me, maybe because I don't practice enough or give up too easy. But it may not be working because I want it to work.
Let me explain. You might conclude that wanting it to work would be a good thing because it would entail having some motivation. But I'm considering that being motivated is what impedes the process. You see, if I take a pill, I can relax. And if I'm motivated, then I can walk 5 miles to take get that pill. But how do you "just relax?" Being motivated or ambitious is in opposition to the state of mind that I'm talking about. The more motivated or desiring I am of it, the further I get from my goal. But those are the only tools in my toolkit, so it seems there is really no way for me to do it.
This is a big ordeal for me. The setting can be perfect for relaxation, but it makes no difference for me. I can be outside witnessing wonderful scenery, with nothing pressing to do. Here's what I do INSTEAD of relax: I will doubt that I am fully appreciating the scenery; I will wonder about how some artist perceives it and start feeling deficient about it; I will start thinking about how my accomplishments are so thin, and I question that I should be spending time doing nothing anyway. Now, this wouldn't seem remarkable at all, but the right pill has showed me that there is another very different way to be. With the right pill, I have seen that there is perfection in doing nothing. There is something very different that's left behind when all ambition, doubt, craving, etc., is taken awayBut I'm afraid that the pill is the only way for me to experience it.
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